As you well know, our entire way of life relies on our keen ability to market to future consumers – AKA "the #teens." Therefore, it is the duty of all American parents to properly prepare their children for a happy life of mindless consumerism. But how do you know if your #teen has become dangerously unmarketable? Here are five warning signs.
- Your #Teen Refuses to Be Moved by Pre-Approved Pop Rock Bands. This one is easy to diagnose. Casually hum "Drops of Jupiter" in the vicinity of your #teen. If he or she isn't immediately compelled to shop online, your #teen may be dangerously unmarketable. To confirm, place a Mary J. Blige or Coldplay CD beneath their pillow. If you later find it in the trash, your #teen may be beyond hope.
- You Cannot Find a Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn Account Under Your #Teen's Name. Uh-oh. That means marketers can't find your #teen either, leaving #hip corporations like Nabisco and Nike with no way to clandestinely #rap online with your progeny. Try to #hack your #teen's phone and at least sign him or her up to Instagram. Use "hashtag MyFavoriteOreoMoments" to get the ball rolling.
- Your #Teen Thinks "Grey's Anatomy" is Some Kind of Grisly Textbook. Listen, we didn't create sappy dramas with disposable storylines just so you won't watch them. Primetime is for sitting on the sofa and absorbing penetrating moments of corporate content in 30 second bursts. And if we have to suffer through another one of Meredith's insipid and doomed personal relationships with a troubled but incredibly cute co-worker, they so should your #teen. That's the way it is.
- Your #Teen is Puzzlingly Unimpressed by Jeff Goldblum. Everyone knows that Jeff Goldblum is #quirky #cool and appeals to marketable #teens even though he's a thousand years old and probably brags about not knowing how to email. If your #teen appears to be resisting the whimsical 80s charm of Jeff Goldblum, do not panic. We're going to keep pushing Jeff Goldblum on your #teen buys something.
If your #teen exhibits one or more of these troubling warning signs, you may be raising a dangerously unmarketable #teen. Our deepest condolences. So far, even the trendiest advertising agencies have yet to find a cure. But don't worry. Somebody has scheduled Conference Room A for a brainstorm, and MTV will be on in the background, so your #teen should be marketable any moment now.